Picnic

The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze, a perfect day for reading outside, so I drug a chair onto th grass under the big tree in the back yard and cracked open my new book about HenryVII. Then Matt came up to me and deposited a bumbo seat full of Charlotte on the ground next to me, so I got on th ground and sat next to her to attempt to minimize the amount of grass that went in her mouth, she is fscinated by the outdoors, new sounds, smells and sights. After awhile Matt brought oout a bowl of super ripe, super juicy melon for me to eat before it went bad, so I handed a wedge to Charlotte, she sucked the juice right out of it and we enjoyed the fruit togther, our first picnic, it was a delightful moment, and it's moments like those that prevent me from despairing

AFresh Pair Of Eyes

I'm nearing the end of my time with my OT, Sue, my insurance will not approve more visits past the next two, I think. So today I started with a new OT, Amanda. I am using the free OT clinic at Western Michigan University. So, I can go as long as I need to. The OTs at the clinic are all grad students, I'm pretty excited about starting a new program as I think it can never hurt to have a new and differentperspective when trying to solve a problem, maybe one of the grad students will have some revolutionary techniques. I am going to charge right into this new experience as enthusiatically as I can, with as much hope as I can muster

Little things

It's funny that it took such a tragic event to positively change my life and my perspective. What I would have normally overlooked as an everyday no big deal accomplishment, is now a life changing and uplifting experience; Like changing a diaper by myself for the first time, no biggie, right? Well, after I did it I felt like I needed an entire football team to hoist me up while the stadium cheers me on, that's how ecstatic I felt at that moment, and just now on my dailt constutional across the backyard, caneless, I went up one of the small hills backthere which I had been avoiding out of aprehension, but I thought, what the heck, let's give it a go and I did it! This experience has helped me to sit back and really enjoy my life. I listen to all of the sounds around me, smell the smells and feel the air, I look at the scenery and enjoy the feel of the sun on my skin more than ever. I guess that goes to show that there really can be blessings in disguise. This one was super incognito at first!

Mindfullness

Inthe past, whenever Ioverheard someone mention mindfullness, Ialways thought it was some kind of abstract concept used by peoplwho meditate all of the time, the idea of it went right over my head. nowadays though, Ihave to be mindfull of everything I do if Iwant tioensure Iam doing it correctly.the simplest of tasks require my utmost attention;  walking myself through each and every step for example: brushing my treeth 1) go into the bath room, 2)get out my tooth brush, the purple one 4) get out the toothpaste 5) get the toothbrush wet 6) put the toothbrush in my left hand, my hand can now grip some things, and it helps my recovery to make it do things like hold my toothbrush or hold a banana as Ipeel it. 6) 7) put the tooth paste on the tooth brush.8) brush teeth and make sure to brush all of them, Itend to forget thef tside of my mouth and clean up any mess Imake, Ithink this constitutes mindfullness even when Iam watching TV Imake sure to pay close attention to what I'm watching because Ifeel so lucky to still be drawing breath and to have a big 'ol Tv to watch and an elrctric blanket to snuggle under, Iwant to be sureIsoak inall of the good stuff I can.

Victory!

My war with the stairs is still being waged, although I do believe I won the day yesterday. At the end of the nightIstarted up the first set of stairs and took a little bathroom break before moving onto the next set and on the verge of tears, I climbed those stepsThehing that is helping me most is this really hilarious song my husband made up about me getting to the top of th stairs and conquering my fear, I repeat it to myself as I climb, it keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking about falling, it helps me stay focused on my body and what i'm doing, so if I get a little off balance,  Idon't freak out,but stay calm, now Ijust move up th stairs slowly now, standing at or walking near the top of the stairs still paralyzes me, but I'm mastering it, I just repeat the song to myself and go slowly, step by step.

Talking

One of my favorite pastimes and probably the thing I was best at was talking, that makes my limited vocal ability a hard thing to get used to,  I worry that my new voice will make people think I am mentally impaired when that couldn't be farther from the truth, my mouth just can't keep up with my brain anymore some body in a support group said that I should use this as an opportunity to chose my words carefully, which I do, I choose the ones that are easy to say. I get very insecure when communicating on the phone or with someone who hasn't encountered me much since the incident I worry that they will think my intelligence level took a hit, along with everything else, it is just very difficult for me to communicate every thing I want to since my voice has no lilt to it anymore and Ican't get my mouth around my words, this causes me to feel trapped inside my body, totally unable to express my thoughts, feelings and fears, hence why this blog is so important to me.

Life Line

When Iwas 13 a friend of mine read my palm and gave me some news that has been stuck in my brain dince then. She told me that my life line split near the end and she took that to mean that Iwould make aedecision in my early 30s that woul dulimately end my life, since then and since I entered my 30s I've been on th lookout for decisions that could result in my early demise. before Igave birth Iwondered if that was it, almost was, reallyCould my mystical 13 year old friend have been right?Dostill need to be cautious in my decision-making now hat I've dodged that bullet?